Let’s talk about anxious days. (If you are in a chronic season- please check in with a health care provider!)
Specifically about health.
It’s my dirty little secret. I worry about my health.
A cold becomes the flu, which becomes full-blown cancer.
A sore back is obviously tumours.
Clearly, I have diabetes because I peed a lot today.
A pain mass of varicose veins are surely just a symptom of a heart condition which imminently threatens my survival.
(even typing these out and reading them makes me laugh. They are just so over the top but when you are worried, they seem so legit!)
Anyone with me?? Anyone else used Dr. Google and left terrified ?
The first real big battle I had was when Hudson was diagnosed with a brain tumour and we were all shocked.
Yesterday he had to go to school and say good bye to one of his classmates who died tragically this weekend in 2nd grade.
And I don’t feel so good. (Probably a cold.)
So (honest here) after we got the kids on the bus, and hubby kissed me good bye, I cried in bed for 1/2hr and laid there feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry for my kids. Feeling sorry for the kids at my kids school. Feeling so sorry for the family of the little one.
But I got to thinking about why it was hitting me so hard. Why was I so worried about my own health and then about Hudson? Why was that worry keeping me from a good day?
I believed deep down that if I was unwell, I would be unable to care for my son Hudson who needs a lot of extra care.
And if he DOESN’T get my care, somehow he will be scarred, wrecked or totally unable to face his life. (Isn’t that what Doctors/parenting mags/blogs/ fb posts tell us? Isn’t that what we are all scared of? being incapable of facing the things in life we have to face? feeling like we’ll come up short? wondering if we’ll make it?)
I believed that- (deep breath here) if I’m not well, no-one will care for my family like I do, and they will suffer, and suffering is bad, and my family will be ruined, and that means my kids will be disasters for the rest of their lives, with no hope.
I believed that I was the only one who could process life with them, and do it well.
And what I believe drives my actions.
It’s all about me.
I’m the only one.
I’m the solution.
I’m the caregiver (and the only caregiver that matters.)
I’m in control and need to fix everything, and need to be there for every moment.
I’m the perfect problem solver.
Only I know the right way. Only I can find the solutions. Only I can handle my kids issues. Only I make them feel better. Only I can help them. Only I am the reasonable assurance of their outcome as decent human beings.
(apparently in this scenario, my children have no will, no thoughts and no care for their own lives or outcomes. I alone manage them. Haha! see the lie there?)
OUCH. Ouch. ouch.
What about Dad? What about Grandparents? What about Teachers? Neighbours?Friends?
What about God?
Notice that it doesn’t say “Your mom made you, (fairly well because she ate healthy and sometimes took her pre-natal vitamin while avoiding alcohol) and your mom will carry you (because even though she’s only 5 feet tall, she’s awesomely perseverant and can do more than she thinks, and she has a complete grip on everything in her own life and can carry hers and yours) and your mom will sustain you (when you hit hard times, adolescent years and when you just need a break from homework) and your mom will rescue you (because obviously she will be at the hospital, finding you on the street, helping you get a job, setting you up in counselling and making you chicken noodle soup when you are sick.)
But that’s what anxiety keeps telling me. And what I have believed. Sneaky.
I take the place of God. Ouch.
But I’m a child of God. Not God. How much more comforting is it to know that I don’t have to know everything, be everywhere, make no mistakes, have infinite energy?
That I can be me- beautifully and wonderfully made, and He can be God?
My worrying was robbing God of His first-love-always-moving-towards-us-never-giving-up-on-us kind of caregiving.
But isn’t He the one who decided to give up His everything to become one of us? And then to suffer as us? And then to die as one of us? For us?
Surely, He is a better caregiver than I.
A more informed partner who sees every outcome and has a plan for each one.
A decent and thoughtful doctor, who prescribes leaving the things that bother us at His office, so that we can head into our days light and free—-with joy even! (If you are still shocked that we are called to live through dark days with Joy! join the club! It’s scandalous! and a bit delightful! and it’s true!)
THERE IS MORE. THERE IS A BIGGER PURPOSE.
Jesus love requires that we let Him care for us. And that we receive His love.
He offers the same reassurance to us all. That He cares (Care-gives) for us.
What about you? Maybe you don’t fuss over kids, or health like I do. But I bet you have something that you don’t trust God with. Something that’s exclusively yours to worry about.
Let’s let Jesus love cover us. Wreck us. Wash over us. Knowing that He is a better Care-giver. That He’s got what it takes to see us through. To see our kids through. To see our families, dreams, desires, and hopes through. To help us finish well. And even enough love for us to lavish out on the world around us.
Because LOVE requires me to learn to keep bringing anxiety to Him. I’m sure I will keep experiencing it from season to season, but He wants to be in it all with me. To be the One who is God-with-me. God with you.
1 Peter 5:6-7
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”
(He cares. It’s His job, His right, His nature, His character, His promise, His bent, His will, His desire, His want, His make-up, His personality, His duty- His deep LOVE.)
Practically, here is a workbook that I have found to be helpful if this is an area you struggle with:
And, knowing that people do care about you even at your worst, (like this hunky husband) isn’t too bad either! He brought flowers, right from the florist! What a guy!!!